This will exist here because of an irrational desire to share my thoughts with someone other than myself, but I either don't trust the people around me enough, or I don't want to bother my friends any more than I need to by oversharing my personal stuff.

I could write in a personal diary and not upload it at all, but the attention-seeking part of me wants to know that there is at least the possibility of someone else reading this.

It feels very tempting to tell all my friends "hey, i made a blog haha here it is!", but nah, It'd do me better to keep it a little more anonymous and personal.

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It's been now about a day and a half since I started HRT.

I'm 28 years old, and I've been wishing to do this since, either as early as 5, or as late as 17, depending on how you frame it. The reasons for why it took me so long to finally make this decision are, amongst them:

- An extremely risk adverse personality.
- My inability to make a confident decision, fearing pigeonholing myself into it only to later realize that I preferred a different option. This is a major crippling factor, I basically have done little to nothing with my life due to this fear.
- Very strong dissociation since as far back as I can remember. I was hardly aware of what happened in my surroundings, and I was essentially unaware of my own existence.
- I lived in a third world country most of my life, and depended on my family, so I didn't want to be a burden, on top of having to explain myself.

All my life I've felt extreme envy whenever I saw a transgirl/woman who was at least decent looking and behaving (so not the freakish embarassing caricatures that make the rest look bad). I felt this envy because they were doing what I couldn't even dream of, the idea of transitioning felt so impossible, and like I wasn't even deserving of it.

When I was 17 years old I met a transgirl online, she had started her transition at only 14, and was 16 at the time. When I learnt she was trans I mentally latched onto her really hard, here was a person who I knew existed but never interacted with before, a type of person who I wished to be like. 

Conversing with her eventually caused me to have a total breakdown, I was crying uncontrollably at the computer while trying to maintain the conversation. When I learnt how much stronger her feelings were compared to mine, especially with regards to the genitals, which I never actually hated, but rather simply didn't think about, I broke. As far as I was concerned at that point, I was a fake, my feelings weren't real enough if I didn't have the drive to demand to transition at 14.

So my repression begun at only 17.

By the time I was 26, my mentality was that I wished I'd just go bald and ugly already, so that I could just give up entirely. In my life I've crossdressed and tried to look as feminine as I could without raising suspicions, and when I look back at myself, I just see the actions of a poor and pathetic creature, helpless and mentally defeated, consoling itself with what little scraps it can scavenge.

But those feeble attempts at feminizing myself, the times in which I just called myself a "cute boy", were long gone by then, and I simply spent the days reminiscing about them, for as unconvincing and poorly executed as they were, they made me happier.

Something made me decide to look at the /lgbt/ board on 4chan one day, and I noticed the thread for repressors, this was when I learned that there was a name and a community for people like me. This moment sparked a 2 year long mental breakdown. I went from reinforcing my repression, to improving my knowledge of transition and hormone therapy a lot, to deciding I was going to transition in a moment of manic euphoria, followed by an emotional nosedive in which I decided I was being an absolute fool, into more breakdowns, and inability to stop thinking about the topic, to the point that I almost failed the classes I was attending at the time, because rather than thinking about schoolwork, all I could think about was transition. After all, what was the point of going through all this training? What was I doing this for? For a future in which I'm still a miserable man?

I really can't stress enough how much of a change the last 2 years have been. The word "trans" was disgusting to me, I wasn't able to even think about it as being relevant to myself. I was decidedly not trans-anything, that's what I told myself and I almost fully believed it, the fact that seeing happy, passing transgirls would ruin my day somehow wasn't important, but it still fueled the subconscious, cognitive dissonance time-bomb. 

And I had even tried to cut my hair short, let my beard grow, and grow my muscles, and try to leave all the thoughts of being feminine behind, they were supposed to just be a silly thing that I needed to grow out of. That all failed, of course. It was stomach churning to see myself masculinize, I hated it. So I was in this limbo of being mentally unable to either be masculine, or feminine. It would've been fine if my ideal was to be androgynous, but it clearly wasn't.

This is getting way longer than I wanted it to be already, and there's still a lot more left to be said, but I'd rather write all that down another time.

I'll just skip to present day for now. The jealousy for passing transwomen is still there, but doing my first injection has changed my mentality, seeing them also gives me hope and inspiration. My copes and self-soothings where I'd tell myself that it'd be good enough to get any little feminization, no matter how mild, are dissolving. I want nothing more than to try my hardest, and to not settle, until I pass.

I don't want to be an androgynous man, I don't want to be non-binary. It is obvious to me now that my true desire is nothing short of female (I did use to cope that I didn't want to transition anyways because "it's not good enough", that I'd do it if it was magical and made me biologically female, somehow it's possible to think that and still believe oneself to be cis).

...It is actually happening! I am actually doing it! 

The decision was technically made either a month ago, or many months ago, or a year ago, or 2 years ago. But the decision was realized as soon as the needle went in. As someone who has consistently failed to get started on doing the uncountable things that I've wished to do, I have proved to myself and to the world that I want this to such an intense degree, that it overpowered how ineffectual of a person I am.

After simply drifting through life, making almost none of my own decisions, distracting myself mostly by ruminating on thought loops, brain fog, YouTube videos, and Twitch streams, I finally feel like I'm in control of myself, and like I can finally begin to truly live.

Transition is technically my reason to live now, but it's also not. My true reason to live is my idea of what a happy life is supposed to look like. A happy life is one in which I am female, doing all the things I'm interested in, creating all the art and other stuff that I've desired to create for so long, being in a beautiful relationship, traveling places with a wonderful partner (most likely a boyfriend). It is the fact that it all feels somewhat possible, rather than completely impossible, that I will carry on forwards.